愁前山

2008年1月22日，会不会是笔者最后一次踏上DECTAR表演？极大可能，如果没有再接洽表演。

3年来各舞台表演有何感想？心情肯定是复杂的。表演的项目不外无他，身为一个乐手，玩的是传统的乐器为主，中国笛子，打横的（直的为箫，各位别再误导大众）。然而，完成心愿也罢，考验自己也好，2008年1月22日终于第一次当上了华乐指挥，指挥两首简单的曲目《金蛇狂舞》（慢版）和《响宴》。

经过了一年的准备，笔者终于有勇气自告奋勇的想当个指挥。无他，仅仅想考验一下一年来对音乐有何进步……去年下半年起，已加入了西乐的大家庭，虽然五线谱还是看得个头昏脑胀，但对音乐亦有更深一层的了解，已懂得“拆开来听音乐”。

其实以前在小学的时候，笔者曾经当过指挥，只不过那是coral speaking的指挥，和音乐指挥仍有异，coral speaking的时候，动感十足，弯腰哈背，有点像在团员面前表演舞蹈似的。22号那晚的表现，比起小学生那时的表现来的含蓄的多……当天成了“单手指挥”，>80%的动作都集中在右手，左手还是不能像以前那么的灵活。自信心也少了许多，也许是多年来的挫折以磨损了笔者不少的勇气和自信。彩排的时候被略嫌手的动作不够高，有的演奏员看不见。当然新生们都非常的“埋头苦干”的看谱，有经验的演奏员则全神贯注的看着笔者的指挥。节奏快慢当然还是掌握在笔者的手中， 加上台下有~1000人大军的观众，犯错了，将会是笔者人生中的污点，也会被团员们“埋怨”一世……

两首曲子，约10分钟左右，完了，没有什么明显的失误，算是圆满结束。台下的掌声？少了一点。无所谓，已经习惯了在没有掌声的环境下生存了好久，表演了“n”次。

很欣慰乐团的一班小瓜们那么的努力，谢谢伟杰，谢谢steven，还有经常教笔者东西的嘉恩；更感谢一班来自母校的学弟妹们的拔刀相助，还有宏伟百忙中还抽空到来。还记得一年前接近今天的日子，有人在笔者的部落的留言说笔者“人必自辱而人恒辱之”，也说笔者整天埋怨别人什么什么的，如今笔者再次感谢那么多人，不知他/她又会否说笔者的感谢没有诚意？太浮夸？

哈哈……谢谢忆欣学妹的夸奖，你是唯一一个称赞我们的人咧！

最重要的人，最需要感谢的当然是宝贝老婆大人咯！不管发生什么事，你都支持笔者，真的很感动，很可惜那天我们没有合照。

2008年1月22日，不管是不是最后一次再DECTAR表演，都已经是笔者的一个里程碑。第一次指挥，原来可以有那么多感触，哈……

最近生活有点紧张，有的没的都让自己变得很忙。希望朋友们不会嫌我烦，因为我不断地问他们还有什么活动，还有什么活动，以填补最后一个学期空洞的时间表。

忙功课，写论文。以前不断地告诉自己，每一件事如果用心做，很努力去做，一定会成功。然而很多事情，不是努力就能解决了，世界太不公平，资本主义下，不是勤劳的人获得最多财富，而是谁最有智慧才能获得财富。以前上课时老师说什么只要肯努力，一定会成功，看来这个信念开始动摇了。

如果说有时运气也是实力的一部分，那么笔者觉得自己真的很没实力。所以说，成功是有运气的成分的。

到了2008年了，毕业比想象中还要快。到了这一个阶段，很多时候自己内心还是有挣扎的时候。坚持自己的理念？还是随大环境趋势而改变？哈……当你问每个向笔者要毕业的学生毕业后要做什么，你通常都找不到答案。只会听到“看咯”、“找不到工就读书咯”、“做sell咯”、“我要钱”、“不知道”……那天的seminar讲师们已经表达的很清楚了，我们必须接受，英文才是国际商业语文，英文不行，那么就bye bye吧！很遗憾还有人要把语文当成情绪化的课题，更遗憾很多大学生英文很不行，简单的问题可以用很长的时间来表达，听众听了都耳朵痒痒的。难道这就是国大的宿命？笔者？笔者坚持阅读times杂志，多语杂志，每天都必须阅读报章，以期达到真正的“三语人才”。笔者固然觉得很辛苦，为什么就不能畅心运用母语表达自己的立场，信念？然而这也是世界的不公所在，大趋势，大游戏规则所限制。

讲师们更大大的打了我们一巴掌，就连政府部门都开始放弃我们国大生了，有时都不知究竟谁应该反省？是学生太过于极度享乐？政府太过于保护？

如今是大鱼吃小鱼的时代，更是快鱼吃小鱼的时代；快熟面的年代，人人斗快狠准，很疲惫。只能说，如今开始，我们已进入了“备战人生”，唯有万全准备，才能应万变。

回顾2007的下半部，看来还是用华文来结束这一篇文章吧！

7月：
经过了上半年那个“很少休息”，事情多多的上半年，从这一个时刻开始，其实有点想休息。好像什么都不管了，专心读书，好好谈一场恋爱，好好疼爱自己喜欢的人，多交几个志同道合的朋友，希望新的学期能够有更多的私人时间平安渡过（过去一年我没有了夜晚（决不夸张，都是忙什么无聊顶头的开会，心力交瘁的活动etc……），没有个人空间和时间，没有看电视，没有好好象收下大学应有的生活）。

拿了food science的课。很多人都觉得我是特地拿这一堂课，因为food science出名美女多，其实food science真得很有趣，我也想多了解罢了！就算美女多又如何？很多都是not available了的，就当这一个机会认识下新学弟妹们吧！有一回笔者只是充好心帮助一班学妹去买东西，当然一对一出去固然会掀起闲言闲语，而且别人又是名花有主，她就叫了多几个朋友一起来。这样我就很荣幸的载了3个美女，岂知被同年的朋友撞见，顿时传闻满天飞，说什么我很饿啦，老牛吃嫩草啦etc……

阴差阳错下被教授点了当班长，当让我自认还算称职吧！都是帮他们印印笔记，讨论下功课这样咯。哈哈……想不到后来还会演变成我有了身份危机，究竟我市food science的学生还是nuclear的学生？？因为我发觉对他们这班小瓜还好过自己科系的小瓜！哈哈……很庆幸能有这一班那么好玩的新朋友！谢谢你们哦！

8月：
做了几件满厚脸皮的事。我参加了3个faculty night！我的天啊，反正都是最后一年了，脸皮就厚点吧，反正毕业后有谁会记得你？先是fpp的，商管学院的，美女必多咯！哪里知道那一天到了那里才发现原来去错了faculty night，认识的朋友少之又少。本来还想给个惊喜他们的，看来那一天还是低调一点，专心做个“摄影师”吧！挺好玩的！

从food science的学弟妹们那里找到lobang参与了bio fac的faculty night。哇……这是我玩到最开心的一个晚会。那一班小瓜们很有礼貌、很热情地招待我，就连2nd year得有很有礼貌，那一天很开心，很尽兴！这一天，永记铭心！

到了自己最期待的晚会，自己faculty的。由于众多朋友没有出席，显得有点冷，而且一些学弟妹不太有礼貌，虽然没有太多的感触，但依然是满好玩的。

这一个月，我也加入了ukm的交响乐队，我终于接触了古典音乐……我是华乐、新古典音乐爱好者。

（终于可以和我们的queen合照了……yeah！）

九月：
这个月很难受，所有的考试，所有的presentation都挤在一个礼拜。考得很不好，心情很差，因为presentation的时候，那些lecturer一直针对似的发问，我也尽了能力回答所有的问题，就感到有点不开心……当拜五考到最后一张mid sem的paper的时候，已经没有什么悬念了。感觉上，整个sem除了final以外，一切很忙，很紧张的事都挤在11号到15号。成绩差，自然不在话下。

这个月我也参与了一个小型的古典音乐演奏会，其实也没什么特别啦，只是他们缺乏乐手，然后笔者就毛遂自荐，不知丑的献丑咯！去看了《国大中秋》的表演。意见？没有！过后据说这一届他们满多事故的，看到他们那么辛苦的练习，实在不想再给予负面的评论。加油！

10月：
这个月并没有什么重大的事情发生，又都只是在上课日最后一天发生“秀才遇到兵”的事件。也在那一天和学弟妹们拍了几张照片留恋咯！因为不知道下个sem还会不会有机会遇到他们。希望在你们的心目中我真的是个好senior吧！然后……踏入考得最差得final……

（没有照片）

11月：
以最奇怪的心情来面对这一次的final，应该说考期太长，科目太少，很难集中精力和意志来拼（借口）。其实是笔者懒惰而已啦……

屠妖节那一天和家人去了马六甲一日游，好久没有那么好的感觉了。

12月：
这个月情绪起伏很大，不开心的事就免谈了，只知道有几天过得很有意义，成绩考得很差。21号玩得好开心，可以说是我人生中玩得最开心的日子之一。24号平安夜过得很有意义，也很平静。25号和久违了的朋友聚餐，很温馨。2007年的最后一天，也过得满特别的。

（这个月活动的照片在朋友那边……哈哈……）                         （完）

try to write this one in english, or maybe in rojak style.

2007 has just ended, and finally i get rid of a year full of emotional moments, and also an eventful one. well, i certainly hope that 2008 will be a great year, step a side all those negative and unhappy moments, i hope 2008 will be a year that i finally shine…

here will be some sort of a summary of my 2007, how about yours?

January:
busy, tired, disappoint, emotional, relieve, unhappy, proud. these are the feelings that i had in this particular month, and it’s like a rotation that so fast until i think that i’m a person that easily get emotional..

january 2007 prove to be a very intense month for me. besides trying to settle "things" in my club, i also have to rise up my courage, bravery, and "thick face" to get as much $$ as possible for my club as funding for the "concert". after so much turbulence and i almost use up every single fiber of myself finally the "chaos" concert luckily did not turn out to be a chaotic one, and i’m very glad about that. in the end i didnt get the respect that i suppose to get, embarrassment i did get a lot.i got a lot of ppl to thank here, especially Miss Wendy that fully trust me and helped me tirelessly. and i feel that maybe i have no leadership quality at all during the in charge of my club. well, i’m not trying to discredit anyone here, in fact i need to thank all personal that involved because you make me feel that i’m mediocre, and i’ll improve from that. end of the concert? end of the month? surprisingly, i didnt felt touched and proud, just i felt relieved, and like "finally i can put a full stop here…"

February:
actually my busy and "unplanned" schedule does not end here. i fall sick after the stretch of the concert, i work my socks off. and after the concert, some of us were invite to perform with another club in ukm. a patient like me, try to help my friend, i decided to do my best to perform, although i quite weak by that time, i cough, and my lungs are pain everytime i cough, and i’m a wood wind instrument player!!! well, i’m glad again that i didnt made any mistake during performance.. quite surprisingly, i feel warm and touched by their dedication and efforts, and i’m happy to become part of their performers this year. although i only perform in 1 of their songs, i do feel that very happy and i miss that feeling very much, i know many new friends, i have a lot of respect to them too! i feel touched. clear contrast? ya, if compared to what i been through…haha.. i do told myself that time that this would be my last performance in ukm in 2007, and i also decided that i dont want to perform for a while because i do think that i should call it a day and rest a while…

CNY anyone? this is a festive month, happy, joy, and also a chance to greet and meet secondary and old town friends…i get back my long lost smile and laugh during this period…but happy time is sure short and i still wary about the possibility of new batch of committees to "inherit" the mission of our club. an issue to think and squeeze my brain again..haha…

March:
i always think that meeting in ukm is completely waste of time, not because ppl here dont have the virtue of time management, but also meeting is just purposeless and pointless at sometimes i afraid. or maybe just we not mature enough to hold a eficient meeting? AGM, wow, finally it ends here….i feel completely free after i’m no longer as chairperson of my club anymore! i didnt sign to become their official advisor, but i do told them whenever they need my service i’ll be there…

my best buddy JB, ask me to make a short film prior to the maggi short film competition. then, we used up 2 weeks time to shoot and edit the whole film ( it took 2 weeks because of i’m in the middle of mid-sem-exam…). our project is "Bend It Like Maggi". we never expect that it turn out to be well accepted by the public, and we never thought our "masterpiece" would won us 2nd place!! thank you everyone that love and support this film ya!

April:
this is a month of exam, final exam.. and stress you would say…nth significant happens here, the main shock news is we confirm that "Bend It Like Maggi" won second place! well, it turn oout that this sem i get the worst result in my entire campus life… red lights’ on…

May:
my birthday, 5.5.2007. no surprise really, just a few greets from my friends…and my birthday is at the last day of exam period, most of my university friends already balik kampung. how i wish i can celebrate with many many friends, my girl friend (if i have one) and how i hope my university friends will give me a surprise rather than i give them surprise during their birthday! but…. wow, i did celebrate it with my old friends, ya, my best birthday yet, coz i get to spend the time with all my best friends! also another birthday girl that day, my junior sarah! a very happy birthday.

after my birthday i went to training in National Cancer Society Malaysia. everyday i meet up with cancer patients, and workers over there. i learned a lot and i also learned to appreciate life. thank you miss Charlene oh! the training until end of June…

June:
well, this month is about "lack of sleep"… industrial training from 8-5, and also the biggest event happens is that the 《龙吟》 musical concert in penang. it enters "Malysia Book Of Records" for "biggest chinese orchestra performnce in Malaysia". around 1000+ performers participated, and it took a lot of effort and coordinations! and the songs are not easy to play!

i went to my secondary school again, join a camp, play with kids, and i have fun too!

To Be Continue…